i_am_rickets

ho-hum.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 02:45:46 GMT

wow, i havent posted on here for a while.
nothing new to say. i posted it all on myspace already. sorry!

hmm

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 02:06:16 GMT

i dont think i've posted anything in a while.
k so my accident was a little over a month ago. 35 days. this is the 6th week of my broken leg. didnt find out for 2 weeks. so 3 weeks with a cast so far (appointment to get it off in 1 week) ultrasound for my shoulder in 2 days. i'll finally know whats wrong with it. my leg doesnt seem to be healing too good though. it hurts more now than it did before. and that "nerve damage" thing hasnt gone away yet. i dunno how long thats gonna last but its pissing me off. my 2nd toe and the right side of my left leg are numb to touch. and apparently my leg is atrophying. im not a medical person, but the internet tells me it could be caused by nerve damage. not good.
i may be able to sue the hospital :)
they didnt xray me or anything. i wont pursue anything unless i cant graduate this year because of it. so thats a long shot.
my scar on the back of my head is shaped like a y.
it might be upside-down. im not sure. i forget. oh well. im done typing. got a presentation to prepare.

a real journal entry.

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 05:08:12 GMT

anyone reading this: dont be judgemental. this ones for me.

i hate being labelled. not that i really care whats being said... words dont hurt... but i have this thing with lies and rumours. i find it to be a sign of desperation by weak-minded people to try to make themselves feel better than one person. why bother? why do you need to feel superior to someone by putting them down? that doesnt bring you up at all. if you're a piece of shit to the rest of the world, putting someone under you wont make you less of a piece of shit. but i've never seen anyone gain anything from these things. being the loser at 2 schools, i've had a lot of things said to and about me. yea, it used to bother me. i was a dumb kid. a normal kid. i wanted friends. i wanted to be liked. for whatever reason, that couldnt happen at the time, and i had to learn to deal with it. when i finally found something that made me feel better about everything, the people who had spent their lives making me bitter decided to be sympathetic. i didnt want sympathy. it was much too late for that. by the time they finally stopped with that nonsense, some of them got angry. they began to accuse me of being an attention seeker. i dont know how to say this any more clear than i tried to tell them: i dont care what people who dont matter to me think. in a few years, i wont know them. not liking that, they had to start rumours. telling teachers, counsellors, friends, people i didnt know that i was some suicidal freak, or a heroin addict.. i was never either of those. no matter how many people tell me how much they know about why people cut, they'll never know every reason. those counsellors were nice people, but they didnt understand anything i said. they had their own theories in mind, and that was all they could stand to hear. in the mind of an educated person, everything is right from the book. in this case, there were only a few simple reasons for doing what i did:
1. i was suicidal. sorry, but no. if i was, i would have tried something a little more effective. a gun. some bleach. a noose. whatever.
2. i thought that i somehow deserved to be in pain. once again, wrong. why would i deserve it because other people piss me off?
3. if i didnt hurt myself, i'd hurt someone else. nope. if i wanted to hurt someone else, i would. i dont blame people for being stupid though. thats their parents' fault.
4. i wanted to ease my inner pain by causing outer pain. no. i was depressed, sure. but sadness goes away. and i started long before ever feeling depressed. but it wouldnt have worked anyway. outer pain doesnt make inner pain go away.
5. i wanted attention. i especially hate hearing that one. it draws negative attention. why would i want negative attention? thats just stupid.

so if not for those reasons, then why?
why do teens try drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having sex, or anything else teens do? to see what its like.
i wanted to know what it was like to look at my arm and see nothing but red. to feel like i had no skin. the sting of running hot water on my arm the next day. what it was like to drink blood, hold a flame to a cut, or to cut fast and deep enough to not bleed for a little while.
maybe i was a little sick, but most of that came after i started and became addicted to it. everything can be addictive. but when i got over that, i never got addicted to anything else. i've done a lot of drugs. didnt get addicted to any of them. never got too used to any lifestyle. im no longer sick. im pretty much normal now. im not paranoid about people now. when people laugh as i walk by, i dont think they're laughing at me. i dont suspect anyone of saying anything behind my back, even though i've been told a few do. i have no obsession with pain, or the look, taste, or feel of blood. i'm finally okay.

hum

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 01:31:53 GMT

i.. am.. soo.. bored.
i've been sitting here for 3 days. back and forth between the computer, the couch, and my bed. cuz i got no place to go and nothin to do.
my bikes not in such bad condition.. the handlebar is slightly bent on the right side, and the back wheel and the end of the frame is slightly bent... nothing that cant be fixed methinks... and the front tire got taken off so the cop could fit it in his car.
unfortunately, i cant walk too good. which is why i am so bored. my knee is getting much better.. just a few cuts and bruises. still a bit swollen, but nothin serious. but the muscles on the left side and back of my left leg are still pretty swollen and very sore. i cant take a normal step, i can only walk on my heel, and cant hold it at certain angles. which sucks. cuz i have stairs in my house. :|
my heads still sore, but it stopped bleeding...

i watched star wars. all of them. in the last 2 days. god help us all. the matrix and lord of the ring trilogies are next. and lucky for me the video store no longer has the stand. everyones favourite 8 hour movie. jeezus.

hum

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 05:23:19 GMT

my week:
monday. got ditched and didnt even remember that i was supposed to go anywhere (?)
tuesday. placement start date. got a ride to the falls. read for a few hours. took a break. read a few more hours. rode my bike home
wednesday. rode my bike to my placement. did more than read. found out most of the residents thought i was a resident. rode my bike halfway home, then got a call from my brother tellin me he was on his way. so i only rode to the bridge. came online and started typing about my week.
out of sheer boredom.
thursday. technically, the last line was thursday too.
i just yawned. i will be going to bed, hopefully sleeping, then riding my bike to the placement again.
predictions for friday. i have class til 6:30.

and im still bored.

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 22:59:31 GMT

so upon talkin to a friend i discovered that all of my old friends are now over their depression!
and i am happy for them all!

however there seems to be a pattern with me and people.
if people are depressed, they'd better stay away from me. im one of those people. i know pain. i dont want people i care about to have to feel it, so i try to help out where i can. but depressed people cant cheer up other depressed people. just doesnt work.
so when my best friend who i've never known to be happy tells me after a few months of avoiding me that shes finally a happy person, what can i say to that? if she was the only one to spring that one on me it'd be different. i would think nothing of it, but she was the 3rd. the fourth was today.
little bit of that useless thing.

although not completely useless cuz i was a star player at football. go me.

CHICK if you're reading this, WHY DIDNT YOU COME!
we needed extra players! or you coulda just sat out and cheered me on. i need cheerleaders.

the last 3 times i played my foot was killin me after. the first of the 3 times i couldnt walk the next day. the 2nd time i had monday off so i didnt need to walk. then i had 2 weeks off cuz of aapex (well, one and a half.. i played one game after aapez last week)so i thought it'd be okay.. apparently not. we'll see what happens in the morror. speaking of morrow. tomorrow is the first day of my last week at the college. then it's back to school and lookin for a new job, and i gotta remember to call for my placement too. she wanted me to call back after they fixed the mistake on my criminal record check. woohoo! go me! and i have a fucking incident. if i dont get the placement its cuz of that :|

wow!

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 21:14:08 GMT

"After decades of enduring scorn for being a pint-sized poseur, leading astronomers sealed Pluto's galactic fate on Thursday by declaring it is no longer a planet."

i have just one question. does it really fuckin matter? when's the last time anyone in the real world ever got into a highly intellectual discussion about pluto? and if that ever does happen, will it really matter if someone calls it a planet instead of a dwarf planet?

well than.

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 09:59:38 GMT

yesterday i was walking to work at 6:30ish in the a.m. and i looked up into the sky.
there was one cloud out that stood out a little bit from the rest of the clouds. it stood out because it looked like the Enterprise. (the spaceship from star trek)
i dont mean the outside was shaped a little like it. i mean this thing could pass for it completely. trekkies would pay to see this thing at a convention.
Seeing that thing made my morning, but as the day progressed, i realized it was an omen. bad things are comin my way.

am i going to die?

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 23:20:03 GMT

When I mention blue, all you thought was color
When you mention drugs, all I thought was sober
When your pants came off and I turned you over,
When you mention blue...

i hate this. when i was depressed i had fucked up dreams. but at least it meant i was getting some sleep.
i slept tuesday. nothing wednesday, thursday, friday, little bit last night but not enough to really function on.
i think my doctors appointment is in 3 or 4 weeks. ill need to go to the sleep clinic eventually.

im done aapex. the in-class stuff anyway. not the driving. have to book appointments. im not due til january for my road test so i will take it slow.

In this exchange I often touch myself,
so go ahead and let those dirty words pass right through me. just passing through. not stopping by. not saying hi. girl, you cant kill a liar.

its funny how fast people will open up to you.
after 7 hours together you can find out secrets from people you never met until then.
it seems to help if you know you'll never see them again. but even thats questionable.

It's like a fucking drug deal
I'm sitting here waiting
I'm calling you back
and you won't call me back
and it's fucked up, but at the same time it just made me want you even worse.

what the hell?

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 00:11:19 GMT

...and another thing! everytime i fucking sign in to livejournal, frank tells me "bahhh"... who the fuck is frank? do goats say "bahhh"? why cant frank say QWUck! ? is it not a good enough saying for a fucking goat? HONESTLY who says bahhh anymore? its a fucking useless dead language. i smell like rub a535.... but its not rub a535. its imitation rub a535. cuz im that damn good. the reason for it is because my back is killing me. no sleep + sore back = cranky me. and im missing football for the 2nd week in a row for some fucking useless bullshit. when am i ever gonna drive?
although my teacher is pretty cool. she is an exact double of my mom.
and i basically just said my moms cool. weird.

thats odd. now i miss my mom. im gonna go cry myself to sleep. YES! SLEEP! if thats what it takes ill do it. ill just break my nose. that'll get the ol' tear ducts flowin' again, right?
and speaking of noses, i must blow mine, for i have a booger. thats not as funny as it would have been 10 years ago, but meh. im quite satisfied with my statement.

in other news: the NRP fucked up and admitted it!!!!
cuz on my criminal record check they forgot to check off a box which i needed checked off ... so they said it was their mistake and they'd check it off and send it to welland for me to pick up tomorrow. oh boy, how sweet is that?

"an auti?? sweet! im gettin a car!" "i have an innie" "no peter, you're getting an audit"
"mr griffin, this is how much you owe the IRS" "AHH!" "what is it??" "oh sorry, thay was for party of five. im still not over them cancelling it" "alright" "AHHH!" "what?" "sorry, party of five again" "okay" "AHHH!" ... "was that for party of five also?" "what? no, that was for my tax return. what the hell is party of five?"

thats my way of saying bon nuit. or whatever. im not french.

what the fuck was that?

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 20:16:27 GMT

jeepers... i get to work at the glendale campus tomorrow apparently. thats an hour of extra sleep. after 2 days with none. again. sleeping pills arent working. i think i may be an insomniac. however. i have water. i am currently drinking said water. its refreshing. ...and for some reason tastes like peanut butter... with a hint of.. nah. just peanut butter.
our fence is done. now on to the deck. and i am running out of money to support my habits. stupid money. why cant it grow on trees?

kozmic blues (janis joplin)

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 01:31:01 GMT

Time keeps movin’ on,
Friends they turn away.
I keep movin’ on
But I never found out why
I keep pushing so hard the dream,
I keep tryin’ to make it right
Through another lonely day

well then

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 03:44:31 GMT

to whoever has the account "rickets": although the odds of you reading this are slim, FUCK YOU! you stole my name. now, because of you, i have to type in i_am_rickets every time.

chick, why did you make me get a livejournal? lol ... more people read them on my myspace anyway!
and thanks again for takin me to zooz :)
it was awsome. i forgot, i was gonna give u gas money. ill do that next time i see you!

anyways. back to what i was saying. i suddenly dont know what to say.
apparently i used to be good at that random thought thing, now i have a one track mind. it pisses me off.
where did my hilarity go? i have a placement interview in the morning so i am going to bed.

a story (without characters) based on a story.

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 20:50:24 GMT

waking to sirens is never fun. if we try to outrun them, we're suspects. if we stay where we are, they'll lock us up for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. what do we do? easy. start break-dancing in the street! awkward moments make everything alright.

moral(s): not all fat kids love cake.

favours are for the needy

everyone's too fucking sensative these days.

metaphors arent supposed to make sense

success!

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 22:08:34 GMT

chick made me get a livejournal! now you will all suffer! ... who am i talking to?